by Rouqayya Majeed

On July 14th, 2023 I celebrate one year in the US. I am a Fulbright graduate student from Lebanon pursuing my masters in community-based art education at UT Austin. Exactly a year ago, I was the new student. 

This is basically the most uncomfortable situation I could ever find myself in. I have a hard time letting people get to know me, while the funny thing is that most of the people I meet for the first time say exactly the opposite. They say I’m friendly, kind, and easy to get along with. That is definitely nice to hear, but as long as I’m still uncomfortable, I would still take these words as “they’re just being nice” or “they’re just trying to make me feel less awkward.” Turned out that even when I let people get to know me, I still have a hard time taking their compliments for real. It was almost like, for some reason, I didn’t believe I was worthy of these kind words.

On the pre-departure orientation we had with Fulbright back home before we headed to the states, one of the presenters mentioned imposter syndrome and said that we should let go of that and remind ourselves that we deserve what we got, and that the ten of us were selected out of almost 800 applicants. That was the first time ever for me to hear about imposter syndrome. I didn’t give it much attention, as I thought that the presenter was once again “being nice to us” and trying to motivate us.

Upon my arrival to UT Austin, my cohort at the Art Education masters program had a meeting, at which our academic advisor Dr. Christina Bain also mentioned imposter syndrome. That was the second time I ever heard of it. She said: “Do not listen to any voice that hinders you from believing that you are more than enough. You all were selected for this program for the specific qualifications each of you has.” I also thought that she was being the best professor any graduate student would ever wish for, and yes, she is. Anyhow, I didn’t give much attention to what was said. I put it right beside all the other “kind, nice, and motivational” words I’ve heard from people I meet for the first time. I have a friend who’s on my cohort of the Lebanese Fulbright students, Lyn, who whenever we are on a call, tells me to keep reminding myself of how beautiful I am inside out, how brilliant my artwork is, and of how smart I am to be granted a Fulbright Scholarship, and that I’m not just lucky to get it. She also once mentioned imposter syndrome and what the presenter told us in the pre-departure orientation.

Before speaking about the moment I finally connected the dots, let me tell you about what it was like inside my mind for the past ten years, maybe more. I’ve always been a straight-A student for as long as I could remember. Did I study hard? No. This was one reason I used to think that I was tricking my teachers in one way or another into giving me high marks. At the same time, I had an older brother who my mom always spoke of how smart and perfect he was in every way. I loved him so much, love him still, but I always felt bad about the idea that no matter what I do he is still the one who would do it better. This made me feel that regardless of how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough. My mom didn’t mean to make me feel this way. She only wanted to make him feel better about himself, as he used to be shy and less outgoing as a kid. It took me a lot of digging into my memory to get to the root of where did the thought that “I am not good enough” come from. Finding this out came at the cost of a very late childhood trauma. To know that you were hurt so deeply yet unintentionally by your parent, requires a lot of bravery to get over and move on from.

I graduated with my BA in interior design and a minor in fine arts with a 3.7/4 GPA while I worked for 40 hours per week. I started a business back home that is now six years old. I held several jobs as an arts instructor, and I managed to secure a Fulbright scholarship to the states. All these accomplishments were done with me believing that I’ve been deceiving people into thinking that I am worthy of it all, and lived with the fear of losing everything once they find out about it. After imposter syndrome was mentioned several times to me from different people, I got curious to know more about it. I did some “googling” and after I saw a few YouTube videos, not to say that I diagnosed myself, but what happened within these few minutes was crazy. The voice in my head telling me that I’m just a fraud was shut down. I could hear silence inside my head. It was a feeling I never experienced before. I immediately called a friend to tell him about what happened. I told him this: “I felt lighter. I felt I could walk so free, almost fly because of how light I felt. I feel like I’ve been carrying a rock on my back for the past ten years, and now I was able to put it down. My steps are no longer heavy. I feel I can now create without the fear of being thought of as a fraud.” He said: “The compliments you’ll have from people from now on will start to sound different.” I smiled when he said that and remembered every single compliment I ever had and could never take for real.

I am on a healing journey now. I am still struggling with a lot of memories that I’m getting back, while what keeps me going is that I know that I wouldn’t have been the person I am today if it wasn’t for every single detail of everything I’ve been through. And I’m grateful for that. As an artist I used to hide my artwork because I did it so effortlessly. I thought it was not worthy of appreciation because it didn’t require a lot of hard work. I also have tens of unfinished projects, just because at some point I thought to myself: “Who am I to think that I am able to do this?”

I am sharing this story to say this: 

• Do not believe the voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough.

• It is not you. It is a voice that you’re capable of silencing.

• You are more than enough to do absolutely whatever idea you might have on your mind. 

• You are not what you’ve been through. You are how you choose to deal with it. 

• You are only what you aspire to be, nothing less than that at any point on your way to it.

• Do not be afraid of confronting the small things that impacted you in the past. They are not small as long as you still carry them. You can put them down and move on, only if you decide to revisit them with an understanding and a healing mindset.

• Creating starts with a thought. You are creative just by thinking, regardless of the originality of the thought. Imagine what taking it a step further would be like? That is bravery! You are putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation and exposing your inner-self to be critiqued, and you are doing it, so gracefully willing to grow! 

Speaking of uncomfortable situations, and going back to what I started with as being the new student, I recently joined the Taekwando club at UT, and yes, I felt all the awkwardness of being the new one all over again! But guess what? I now know I can do it, and not only do I know I am good enough to do it. I am willing to learn and grow through it. I now believe that as long as you’re learning from things around you, you are moving forward, for today you are no longer the person you were yesterday. And that is in the end what matters. That is how you know you are alive. 

Rouqayya Majeed is a Lebanese Fulbright ’22-’24 Grantee who earned the scholarship for an MA in Community-based Art Education at the University of Texas at Austin. She has a BA in Arts and Interior Planning, a minor in Fine Arts. Besides being an experienced glass mosaic artist, Rouqayya has four years’ experience in art teaching for kids aged 4-10 years, and seniors. Rouqayya enjoys cooking, reading, dancing, and meditation in her spare time. Her long term goal is founding an arts forum, atelier, and guesthouse accessible to the public, hosting mosaic, ceramic, and painting workshops for all age groups. You can follow her creative journey @rouqayya.m on Instagram.